Sunday, June 6, 2010

Doesn't anyone else hear that ticking sound?

I'm having a difficult time. I'm about to pop a vein somewhere in the left hemisphere of my brain about the mess things are in where I live.

I do not feel like I keep it a big secret but mess and chaos have the potential to drive me over the fucking edge. Possibly in a literal sense if I can find the right road. There was one that wound precariously over a canyon between Yakima and Ellensburg that would serve quite well if I can't find anything closer.

When the two people whom I believe understand me the most on the planet make light of and dismiss the growing sense of panic I feel about the state of my living environment, I just want to scream and run as far from them as possible. Not necessarily in that order.

Do I fail to impress upon people how big a deal this is for me? This seems unlikely given how incredibly verbal I am. Do they think that because it isn't driving them crazy that it can't be driving me crazy? How arrogant and self centered of them would that line of thinking be?

I don't get it. Is it that 'invisible mother' phenomenon, "Oh that's just Mom, or the mother-like figure in my life, going on about some stupid thing again. Pay her no attention. She'll go muttering to her room shortly if we just ignore her." ?

I really thought of everyone in my life, these two would understand and support me most. But instead of support, I'm getting the opposite. At this point I'm so worn down that a neutral position on their part would be a welcome change. I'm actually getting obstacles and overt sabotage.

There is one party who still lives at my house from whom I would expect such behaviour. With whom it is no surprise, when he accuses me of being ridiculous, or of deliberate exaggeration, of whom eye rolling is the most common form facial expression in my presence.

These pictures are of the main parts of the inside of my house. These images do not include: my bedroom, the spare room, my daughter's room or her father's room. They are not of the laundry room, kitchen or the bathrooms. With the exception of my bedroom and my bathroom, these other rooms are all WORSE than the crap you see in piles (the crap that is procreating the second I turn my back) in these images.

(Yes, that is a refrigerator, one of three that live on the property, that is standing next to the wood stove in the picture on the left. The wood stove we can't actually use because there is a fucking refrigerator standing next to it. )

There are no picture of the exterior of my house here today because if the local health dept. ran across them, we might have some explaining to do. I will say this one thing about the outside of my house: there are eight vehicles parked in the driveway and on the fucking lawn. EIGHT. Three of which actually run and only one of which is in my name and within my power to sell or tow away. How did I become the resident of one of those houses you drive by shaking your head and feeling sorry for the neighbors? Something has go to give...... I hear a ticking sound.
The mother daughter dynamic involved with one of these non-supporters, I can see. Mother-daughter relationships can often slip into a power struggle over such issues as cleanliness and common fucking courtesy. I may not like it, but am not all that surprised.
The other relationship, with the second individual, from whom I wish I were getting different support is a bit muddier. I understand the things that keep coming ahead of this project of mine. I can see it, but that doesn't make it right or easier to deal with. I'm still prone to resentment and discouragement. And it builds.....and builds....and builds until what your mother always warned of happens "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt."
I do not know the resolution, short of something drastic and disturbing. One of those grand, sweeping motions that send things and feelings flying in all directions. (After which you simply have a much bigger mess.)

Not the most satisfactory ending to a blog post but the whole point of this Less is Bliss science experiment is what there is to learn through purging and that it isn't always inanimate objects that should be in question.